The last few years have helped me see and understand more about what is real and what is not real.
First, I understood that the I I was operating from, that the I I was using to assess life, was flawed – filled with wounds, projections, dejections and so on. That was a crucial shift that happened. CRUCIAL!!! Why crucial? Because there came an awareness of a me thinking and analyzing and assessing things from a point of view that needed thorough, methodical, sharp questioning. I realized that I was trying to repair a tool with a broken tool. Not only that, but trying to repair the broken tool with the broken tool itself. That is IMPOSSIBLE! It took me a lot of time and a lot of pain to actually surrender to the impossibility of that endeavour. It took me years of pain to understand how the I that was wanting, thinking, understanding, searching, believing, constantly finding “solutions” only to find opposite ones the next day or the next year… was the thing that needed repair. It was very, very difficult to have the humility to say: when I want something, that is, in fact, my wounded self, my flawed Persona, wanting something in order to keep itself alive and stuck. Whereas ME, real me, real I, was screaming underneath to become seen and embraced. But I had zero awareness of that real me. NONE! So I started to question EVERYTHING that seemed true to that false me – the always’s and the wants and the beliefs and the so-called solutions – EVERYTHING is questioned here. Every single moment of my life I am questioning the one who affirms, or wants, or understands something. I am questioning the Persona if you want. Because the Persona will never be happy. It is the Persona or the personality who will never be happy in this world. So I went after discovering the Authentic Self, the one truth that I came here to unravel. Learning astrology and this and the other, gave me a lot of understanding about the Persona, or better said, it gave the Persona a lot of understanding about the Persona.
For the purposes of this article, I will talk about my understandings with regards to relationships…
The REALITY is that I am not here to experience a real, fulfilling, nurturing, classic relationship. Many of us aren’t. That is my day by day experience. That is simply, objectively what has happened throughout my life – of course with some flickering notable exceptions of a day or a week or a month or a year or whatever. Fighting REALITY is the preferred game of a fucked up Persona. So there was a point where I gave up any wish, any fighting, any desire for things to be any different than what I was actually experiencing. That brought about HUGE relief, a peace and also a path.
What I did then, was a sort of an inventory: whom do I have around me? What is life bringing on right now in front of me to show me where my work is needed? I did not try to “solve” any of it any longer. I did not try to figure out the why’s and I did not invest any part of myself into trying to understand or to change reality. I was quite aware by then that that did not go anywhere towards peace. On the contrary – those needs to understand and to figure out and to change life and people and circumstances, were the exact things that were fueling discomfort and pain and looping. The fact that I was not going to have that as a part of my life the way I was trained to believe, felt EXCRUCIATING! I had to learn a lot of grieving techniques to let it go, to come to peace with the fact that – “it’s just not in the cards for me”. This process has been the most painful experience of my whole life. And it might sound romantic and somewhat poetic, but if you take a moment to marinate in the actual awareness of a circumstance like that, you will come very close to the understanding of what is needed to get rid of that I that is always in pain.
Everything that came after that, was sheer self-healing work: the work of disengaging from what was appearing as external stimuli – people, circumstances, but mostly about disengaging from my own mind, the mind of the Persona that was in pain… and going to the inner core wound that was calling for that issue to appear in my life. For example: was someone acting in a way where I would feel rejected? I would sit with the rejected part of me and validate her in her feeling that way: yes, this is how you feel. Feeling that way is valid! Why? Just because you are feeling it. Just because that is what is real in the moment. No need to project faults on other people, no need to search for “solutions” – aka to change that. Changing life does not happen at the will of the Persona, no matter how much they want to. Life does not obey to our mind’s solutions and understandings and wantings. It is the perception of the Persona that changes about life that makes life seem to change. Life is just there, happening by itself. The persona thinks it is happening to him/her. That’s where the pain is.
I have been in a lot of painful situations in my life, I would say much more than the average person and so I had the opportunity to search much much deeper than most. I have not found any other way out of the pain. No other consistent, life-changing, peace-producing way. I am not saying that there is no other way. I am just saying that this is the one that worked for me and this is the only one I can talk about authentically, as opposed to parroting from a book… And I also know how this all sounds like a signpost that spells: RUN, do anything else but this work, this sounds hard and complicated and painful, I don’t want to go down this path! I’ll search for another way, I’ll run for another relationship, I’ll try other methods of understanding…
All I can say is: question that I that wants and thinks all that! The sooner you do that, the sooner you’re free!
I hope this helps someone

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