Please take a moment (or more) to reflect upon the following affirmations you might hold as your core beliefs. Please consider them as a continuum over your entire life, not just in the moment. Look for ways in which holding these beliefs serve you. I know this might sound uncomfortable, but just do an exercise using your innate curiosity: “what if this served me?”; “how could this serve me?”
Here is an example: I’m not good enough!
Thinking that we are not good enough allows us to remain assisted by other people, to always needing to ask for help and support, to be comfortable being the “poor me”. This might be because, in our family of origin, we were exclusively given attention when and if we did things in ways that were unsatisfactory by the family’s standards. Being “less than” was the only thing that was rewarded with presence – any type of presence. This became our so-called love language, where, in order to have communion, interaction and (negative) validation meant we were allowed to survive.
As always, healing comes through awareness, which, most likely, in the beginning, will bring about deep grief. Let your body process that. Allow your mind to realize that you are now in a different moment where, in order to survive and to feel connected, you can dare to do the things you believe in as best you can, as opposed to constantly asking for help from people who, more often than not, are unwilling or unable to help. Find the place in yourself where you have the right to learn through “mistakes” and to improve, without beating yourself up or compare yourself with others. Questions like: “good enough for whom??” might help at times, but I have found that the most direct method remains that through which we allow our body to process that grief and whatever else might come up.
Defectiveness:
- I’m not good enough
- I can’t get anything right
- I’m stupid
- I’m inferior
- I’m nothing
- I’m worthless
- I’m insignificant
- I’m a bad person
- I’m unattractive (ugly, fat, etc.)
- I’m useless
- I’m a failure
- I don’t deserve anything good
- There’s something wrong with me
- I do not measure up to others
- I’m always wrong
- I’ve done things wrong
- I’m abnormal
Unlovable
- I’m not lovable
- I’m unacceptable
- I’m always left out
- I don’t matter
- I’m not wanted
- I’m alone
- I’m unwelcome
- I don’t fit in anywhere
- I’m uninteresting
- Nobody loves me
- Nobody wants me
- I’m unlikeable
- I’m bound to be rejected
Abandonment
- People I love will leave me
- I will be abandoned if I love or care for something/someone
- I am uninteresting (and people will leave me because of it)
- I’m unimportant
- If I assert myself, people will leave me
- I can’t be happy if I’m on my own
- I’m not as good as other people
- My partner is no longer interested in me
- I’m bound to be rejected/abandoned/alone
Helplessness
- I’m helpless/powerless
- I’m out of control
- I must have control to be okay
- I’m weak
- I’m vulnerable
- I’m trapped
- I’m needy
- I’m ineffective
- I do not measure up to others
- I’m unsuccessful
- I can’t achieve
- I can’t change
- I can’t handle anything
- There’s no way out
- Other people will manipulate me and control my life
- I am trapped and can’t escape
- If I experience emotions, I will lose control
- I can’t do it
- I’m always number two
- I finish last
- I can’t stand up for myself
- I’m a loser
- I can’t say ‘no’
Entitlement
- If people don’t respect me, I can’t stand it
- I deserve a lot of attention and praise
- I’m superior (and am entitled to special treatment and privileges)
- If I don’t excel, then I’m inferior and worthless
- If I don’t excel, I’ll just end up ordinary
- I am a very special person (and other people should treat me that way)
- I don’t have to be bound by the rules that apply to other people
- If others don’t respect me, they should be punished
- Other people should satisfy my needs
- People have no right to criticize me
- Other people don’t deserve the good things that they get
- People should go out of their way for me
- People don’t understand/get me (because I am special/brilliant/etc.)
- I can do no wrong
Caretaking
- I have to do everything perfectly
- If I make a mistake, it means I’m careless/a failure/etc.
- I’ve done something wrong
- It’s not okay to ask for help
- I have to do everything myself
- If I don’t do it, no one will
- I’m responsible for everyone and everything
- If I care enough, I can fix him/her/this
- I can’t trust or rely on another person
- If I trust people, they may hurt me (and I won’t survive)
- People will betray me
- People are untrustworthy
- My needs are not important
- I shouldn’t spend time taking care of myself
- When I see that others need help, I have to help them
- I’m not a worthwhile person
- I’m only worthwhile if I’m helping other people
- If I express negative feelings in a relationship, terrible things will happen
- I have to make people happy
- It’s my fault