Let’s say you are a single woman and you meet a guy. Let’s assume you are attracted by this guy. What is attraction really? Some instinctual part of your brain is going to communicate to you that you and this guy can create something unique – usually, it is a child, but it can be any new unique project that only you two can bring into this world. Now, if, the first thing you do when coming together with this guy is starting any form of birth control, you need to become very honest with yourself and understand that you are not going to create a child with that person. Duh…!!! It seems so logical, doesn’t it?
So with that prospect out of the way, what is it that you could create? It doesn’t really matter. What matters is, in order to create something with another being, companionship is needed, authenticity is needed. There needs to be a flow, an understanding of each other’s strengths and weaknesses, a capacity to actually spend time with each other in a way that is nourishing and productive for both. Let’s stop here for a moment.
Most relationships start nowadays as a fast, hot, steamy romance, people move in together, maybe even leave their previous commitments and just jump into this new amazing thing that they feel so “twin-flamey”… Coming back to my previous points, it is impossible to make an accurate, honest assessment of the other person’s – and most importantly your own capacity to healthily interact with this new flame until some very logical, down-to-earth questions have been considered (and yes, answering these questions will take time and a profound awareness and self-honesty):
• Do you actually like this person? Do you like their voice, how their face looks when they talk, how their body moves when accomplishing different tasks? Do you like them when they have a cold or when they are cussing the traffic jam?
• Do you like this person’s universe? Do you like what they are talking about, what their vision of life is, what they are passionate about, what fills their day to day life?
• Are you comfortable with the amount of time they are able/willing to give to you? Are you okay with their schedule, the amount of time they spend at work, with friends, or immersed in their passions?
• Do you like the way they live? Their environment, their decoration style, the things they appreciate and cherish, the places they go shopping or their leisure?
• Are you interested in what they value in their lives? It could be anything really – their favourite TV shows, their friends, their personal values, their hobbies, what makes them unique?
• Do you see any similarities with former partners or either one of your parents?
If your honest, authentic answer to most of these questions is NO, know that you are not attracted by this person. DUHH!! You are attracted by your own inner need to experience a life filled with frustrations, anger, eternal compromising, disappointment, anxiety, shame and sadness. You are attracted by the continuation of your own immersion into old patterns that you simply are too afraid to appraise and so you need this mirror in the form of another person, where you can project onto them your inner issues. You are attracted by a circumstance where you can safely say, after years of pain: oh, it’s their fault!!!
Here are some forms that people tend to try and run from the reality of relationships into their fantasy world:
• “Yes, but I feel so good around this new person!!” – of course you do! You feel the same type of good when you embrace the bottle, the drugs, the gambling, the workaholism… whatever it is that you favour in your life in order to not sit down and logically look at the way you live!!
• “Yes, but I will make compromises and they will make compromises and it will all work out okay in the end because we love each other”. Well, how can you love a person you like almost nothing about??? No, no, what is happening here is actually a covert form of manipulation where you convince yourself that you will slowly transform and transmute this person into the person that serves your needs and wants.
• “Yes, but if I wait for the perfect person, I may end up alone” – Yes, you may. It is now for you to decide if you feel better in a relationship that is not right, or MAYBE alone.

You are not in love with this person. You are not attracted by this person. You are simply too afraid to leave your known path, your comfortable way of dealing with life. And by comfortable I do not mean good and nourishing, I mean the exact actual real way you allow yourself to feel. True inner work will be the only thing I know of that will allow you to clearly see why you are thinking you deserve to live this life and maybe eventually change the way you think and act.

Oh, and then, again, there’s the prospect that you do end up having an amazing relationship with this new person, as long as you are able to not see any of the things that make you feel frustrated – so basically – spend all your life in bed with them 😉

Have you been inspired by this post? Then please