I have to say, rejection is, arguably, the most electrically charged core wound of the human psyche. Through reading this article, you might notice that I myself have been exposed to this quite dramatically and that there is a flavour of pain lingering in the lines that follow…

Before I begin, I want to state that, each and every reader of this article (and of anything else really), will have the level of understanding about life that will range from negatively label people to having the ability and willingness to see behind the obvious drama that takes place in trauma dynamics. My own understanding comes from a place where, having a voice to describe things or eyes to read things, is the first step in healing emotional trauma. My intention here is not to blame or accuse, but to break things down and to educate, as much as I can, from my own place in this world, so that there is healing and compassion and improvement for myself and from anyone who might have the curiosity to look into their perspective on this matter.

In order to avoid what can be perceived as name-calling, I will refer to the perpetrator of rejection as “the rejector”.

We all experience rejection at different levels, starting (and for some, ending) with being rejected out of the safety of the womb. In this post, I would like to focus less on the causes and history, and more on the patterns exhibited and experienced in adulthood, which could mostly be summed up through this phrase: you are going to repeatedly, chronically be denied an emotional connection and yet invited to stay in connection on some surface level. You’re going to be denied emotional connection and yet, there will be an expectation for you to accept that the situation is okay as it is and that you will have to respond and engage in emotional relating even though simultaneously you’re being denied emotional relating. Any attempt from your part to change this dynamic will be punished one way or the other.

This happens because “the rejector” (usually a parent or a partner) does not feel like they’re missing out because, if they have been emotionally divested or emotionally guarded or avoidant, from their point of view, the relationship is totally fine as long as there’s no intimacy. From their point of view, they’re getting their relationship needs met and any invitation to open up and change that, is seen as demanding. And, oftentimes, when people feel there is a demand being placed on them, they become defensive – please see below, a list of defensive retaliation.

First, what do I mean by emotional connection? In essence, this is about attunement and mirroring, but simply put, this means an interest, a joy, a desire to know the other person, to see the other person, to understand about the other person, to truly meaningfully relate and interact with another person.

The person who is less emotionally invested, who has less interest in a relationship, is the one who has the control of that relationship. That is – let’s call it – a psychological truth. This statement, in and of itself, is the starting point of what, we will see, is the crazy-making dynamic of rejection. What this says basically, is that the person who will control the relationship will guide its dynamics exclusively towards what feels comfortable to them. Through a web of subconscious intricate, subtle, complex psychological manipulation, (that obviously comes from their own emotional patterns and trauma) they will become the emotional manager of their entire field of pain.

The force, the strength of this pseudo bond and its crazy conditioning is often so strong, that it may eradicate or blind even the most primal characteristics of humanness, like the maternal instinct, or the openness to a healthy emotional connection that a human has a birth-right to… What is happening here, again, is that you are invited and sometimes coerced to participate in an emotional connection, while you are being kept at an arm’s length of any possible connection… Sounds crazy? Well, here’s rejection for you.

Signs that you are dealing with “a rejector” (and very briefly where these things might stem from):

• Chronology talks – this is the person who will mostly engage in talks that journal facts: I did this and then I went there and then I met this person and then I solved this issue… (This is used in order to avoid emotional interaction and being “seen”).
• Victimhood – they are always the victim of some type of hurtful, unjust circumstance that life/people placed upon them… In the face of this circumstance, anything you yourself might be experiencing becomes way less important. (They have been trained by a parent who never acknowledged anything ever being wrong with them, so the rejector is now living under a clone of “the wrong is always outside”).
• They love talking about their accomplishments in any and all circumstances. Your accomplishments, however, are never seen or acknowledged or celebrated. Or if they are, you will notice the lack of real interest in them, the lack of true joy in relating to them. (This comes from living with usually an overpowering parent – where the parent’s personal, financial or professional “pedigree” is all that is of value in the family, oftentimes at the expense of healthy relating).
• Shaming – can’t you see how much they did/are doing for you? How dare you ask for more/different? Why do you push for an emotional connection too? This is where you really to a place where you’re being brainwashed into believing you do not need an emotional connection with other people. (This comes from the rejector’s own brainwashing where, when they tried to connect with their parent, they were shamed about the human need to feel. Being present with a child’s feelings implies a level of empathy where the parent needs to be able and willing to look into their own feelings… can you see the roots here going back for who knows how many generations? When one’s default is to not feel, they use shame to coerce their progeny into doing the exact same thing).
• Financial rewards – in order to compensate for their lack of bonding, they usually (if they can afford it), very crudely put – pay you to remain involved with them. This is one of the things that makes it quite difficult for people to withdraw from this type of dynamic. (This can come from the crippling lack of self-value, self-understanding and self-compassion that the rejector him/herself has been given as tools in their own childhood. They perceive themselves as someone who cannot interact with someone out of love and intimacy, so in order to have someone close, they will pay them… I am talking here about unconscious self-perception, where the underlying favour of the psyche is one of “not good enough”).
• Gaslighting – out of the myriad of close relationships that they can feel with other people, you will be the only one who they don’t feel connected to… so the problem is with you, not with them. This is an incredibly complex matter that I will write about in a future post.
• Isolation – this is the type of person who isolates you in some form from other interactions. (This usually comes from the fear of someone else discovering some unsavoury “truth” that the rejector has about their own persona. Again, they have been isolated themselves by being made to believe that something is SO wrong with them that they don’t even need or can have human connections).
• Because they feel threatened to connect with anyone who is longing for emotional connection, they run after surface-driven connections. For women, they will latch on to the man who has the ability to make money. For men, generally, the physical/sexual connection is what drives them. These people will feel an incredible sudden pull to connect with another. Invariably, as soon as the relationship gets to a level where they need to build more than the initial chemistry, they will point to the “lack of connection” ( What they really feel inside, is the threat that the (new) person they are with, is trying to build an emotional connection with them. I have talked about this in many of my previous posts, please feel free to take a look.)
• Denying sexuality in an established couple – even though these people usually have high sexual urges (and are often involved in some sexual activity like masturbation, etc), you will constantly be denied your sexual needs. You will often be The One Person on Earth who they don’t feel attracted to – you will be either too thin or too fat, too blonde or too brunette, too vulgar, not sexy enough… you get the idea… (This also stems from self-hatred. The rejector has such a poor image of themselves, that he denies first himself any intimacy. He also, under these glasses of poor self-image thinks that controlling sexuality is a means to superiority – because “only superior people have the right to exist…”).
• Comparisons – in some way or form, you are never as good as the next guy … or girl… (of course, the rejector him/herself was never good enough for the parent, there was always someone better or smarter or prettier…)
• Crisis management – you will only be someone worth interacting with when you are facing some sort of concrete collapse in your life, like a health or financial trauma. (This is the only circumstance when they themselves have been validated, acknowledged and cared for – immediate survival)
• Rationalizing – your emotions will be invalidated through any and all means. In some form, you are not right to feel what you feel – especially when it is about your connection to them, but also in general. Usually, they will call into question any level of need that you have to connect emotionally and make it your problem – your need to request this emotional connection is made to be somehow suspect or out of balance or inappropriate and you will need to take care of that on your own. The rationalization part also may come in the form of a demand or frustration that you need to go connect with other people. This is one way that they offer proof that you are the one who doesn’t know how to connect – if you would only go connect with other people, “your problem” would be solved. (Again, a very complex topic that I will address in a further post)
• Character assassination – usually, when confronted, they will get into personal attacks where either the character or the motives of the person who confronts them become the focus of their rage… (We have an inbuilt “emotional radar” that, in the rejector, has been invalidated to such a point, that the only way left to deal with anything that is perceived as reviving that radar, is to use anger. Anger is the go-to solution to keep at bay anyone who threatens to open up that long lost compass)

I want to really emphasize here that these circumstances need to manifest chronically, repeatedly, where vulnerability, comfort, attunement, respect, containing and mirroring are not playing out in the day-to-day life – this isn’t about sporadic occurrences which might happen at times of stress in healthy relationships. This is about an impossibility, a sort of a wall that you simply cannot pass through in order to feel intimately connected with another.

I will end this post by saying that, wherever you might perceive yourself in this spectrum, either on the rejector or rejected side, you need to treat yourself with care and compassion and understand that none of this needs to be fixed or solved or changed. The only thing that needs to happen here is for you to become aware of your participation in this dynamic. You need to become aware that, as long as you are a part of this dynamic, you are not going to experience warmth, connection, joy, intimacy and ultimately love. It is that awareness that will heal things and change things…

Have you been inspired by this post?