Living in a state of mind that stems from emotional trauma is dysfunctional and unhealthy and it impacts our whole view of how we are orienting to relationship and how we’re showing up in relationship and that, most importantly, breeds suffering, pain, depression and constant unfulfillment.

If we enter a relationship through attachment trauma, where inevitably the attachment trauma will be triggered and activated and impact our state of mind and impact how we are going to make choices and how we are going to still be cautious and fearful and hold back and/or attempt to force something that’s not there, or it will impact distorting reality where we are not able to read the interpersonal cues of relating –  this is all about confusion, a confused state of mind and ultimately a crazy mind – crazy as in its colourful, metaphorical sense of a crazy mind that’s going to create and produce more crazy mind.

To operate from a place where our template for creating relationships is built on deep emotional wounds and attachment injuries that have yet to be resolved, what that means is that we’re attempting to build a relationship on a cracked foundation, a foundation that is linked to confusion, a foundation that is linked to not really getting what we want, where we are not being able to sustain an emotional exchange and to build on trust and safety and being valued, seen and understood. This is another way of saying: crazy creates more crazy; confusion creates more confusion.

I call this the boomerang effect and what I mean is there’s a ripple out effect that’s going to boomerang back, it’s going to come back at you, so that even when you attempt to relate differently from a bit more of a wisdom place, to relate differently from using your intelligent mind where you’re trying to apply your healing work – if you’re still coming from a place (oftentimes subconscious) where you still have not been able to completely remove yourself from the old patterns of relating – this is like: well, how the heck can you be in relationship if even your attempts to come from a healthy place are going to be hijacked with a dysfunctional way of relating??

Let’s just pause in this riddle to feel and know this dilemma – that is what many of us are working with. We could have good intentions, we can see the old pattern, we have learned some new skills and nonetheless we recreate, yet again, or we get sucked into, we get mesmerized, we find ourselves playing out yet again more dysfunctional patterns of relating where life circumstances have activated this attachment trauma and now we are attempting to get our emotional relational needs met through the same lens of our personal wound.

Here, it is crucial to really take a step back and to have a new, fresh mind that says:

It will not work!!

It is a setup!!

It is sad!!

It is suffering inviting more suffering!!

I have got to pursue relationship completely differently from any way that I ever have before!!

I cannot afford, due to this level of crushing suffering and this grief that wipes me out every time I’m in a relationship that fails, that is unsustainable and that ends up where everybody involved is so hurt, this cannot continue!!!

There needs to be a very honest looking in the mirror and to, at least, if you don’t know what a new, fresher a way of relating is going to be, to do your best, by simply setting the intention to really have a strong, clear boundary that says:

I am NOT going to casually, mindlessly try to recreate a new relationship until I have clarity, until I have some reassurance that I am NOT coming from and operating from attachment trauma, because if I am not diligent, if I am not very much policing my mind and policing this behaviour and if I think that it’s going to casually somehow unfold in my favour, I am being naive and I am denying the power of how this attachment trauma runs over me and crushes me every single time!!

This is an invitation to look out for yourself and say:

I cannot continue in this old way because if I do, I’m inviting crazy energy, I’m inviting dysfunctional thinking, I’m inviting these attachment injuries to play out again and again and again and that is how I keep hurting myself.

This is torturous!!!

NO MORE!

I know exactly what your (crazy) mind is thinking right now: “okay, I got that – now what?!?!” I want to propose to you that your mind is trying to skip this very painful process where we are using harsh, serious words like: trauma, wounds, injuries… so that it can escape this crucial stage of mourning of the old ways, where silence and peace can grow out of a soil that has been so depleted!

I want to propose to you that your mind is just trying to show you this grim picture of boredomness and loneliness that you have been trying to avoid all your life, the very reason you have entered these relationships in the first place! You are being confronted with your own fears and insecurities. This is the pain and the loneliness of the so-called “spiritual path”. It is the deep impact of the honesty to just sit down with what has no more space in us and let it hurt there until it is laid to rest. This is the place where beauty can grow.

 

 

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